All caregivers at some point in time face the question, “what next?” The question may pertain to quality of care, medical diagnoses, the hurdles of daily living, or end of life issues. Even after we get through all those questions with our loved ones, after the doctor’s appointments, after the meal preparations, after the constant care, the question exists, perhaps stronger than ever after death. What next?
I learned that for many caregivers that question is coupled with guilt. The guilt hides in the corners of your mind, waiting for the moments at night or early morning when your thoughts wander toward your loved one. It is a guilt born of denial, a guilt that says the doctors and nurses and medical knowledge were incorrect. There must have been, should have been, a way to save our loved one. But we let them die.
Never mind the fact that as caregivers we did everything humanly possible to... well, to care. Forget the sleepless nights or lack of a social life. Did we give them enough food? Did we give them the right kind of food? Did we help them get enough exercise? Did they get too much exercise? Were we just not strong enough to sustain their lives?
I know that my father had a disease with no known cure. I know that we did everything we could for him. Yet, somehow, when it came time to phone my relatives and tell them the end was in sight, I found myself apologizing. “I’m so sorry,” I said to my Uncle Sonny. “I tried, you know, but…”
“What are you talking about?” he shouted at me. “What else could you do? You did everything you could, this is just the way it is.”
I think that most caregivers are faced with the daunting challenge of accepting what Uncle Sonny called “the way it is”. Very rarely do we work so hard and sacrifice so much to be rewarded with loss. Yet that is the lesson most caregivers learn. Our loss is our reward.
I think the important part of this lesson is in remembering that our loss is our loved ones benefit. We gave what we could, we cared as best we knew how, but sometimes, despite our illogical belief in our powers, healing occurs only with death.
Once we are able to accept this idea we can begin to pick up the pieces. We can stop blaming ourselves for an event we could not control. After that, maybe, sometime in the not so distant future, we can begin to face what comes next.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Summer
It really should not come as a surprise. After all, it happens every year. Regardless of the events in our lives, regardless of the happiness and pains, the dramas and the boredom, we move forward in time. Once again, summer is almost at an end.
It is different now than when I was a child. When I was young I remember spending a lifetime on summer mornings staring at the grass in our yard, listening to the buzz of the cicadas and watching the ants move onto the sidewalk. I was waiting for it to warm up a little more so I could drop myself into the pool in the backyard and float the day away.
As an adult I have moved further south and no longer wait for the summer day to warm. By nine in the morning the temperature is well into the eighties, and some days it is actually too hot to go outside for any reason. Instead of watching grass and ants I watch my six year old play with Legos or superheroes, waiting for the inevitable cry of boredom after all toys destroy each other.
The difference, I think, between now and then, is that my childhood summers were languid. Time moved in a circuitous route and staring at the grass was just as good as riding my bike. Now, however, if I dared to stare at the grass, I feel lazy. It is my son's turn to be unhurried, to enjoy the stretch of the season. For me, it seems there is too much to get done, too many time constraints on my day. There is laundry and meals, there is grocery shopping and work, there are any number of adult necessities to pull me away from the reality of summer time.
Maybe tonight I’ll go outside and look for ants. Or enjoy the night sky. After I make dinner.
It is different now than when I was a child. When I was young I remember spending a lifetime on summer mornings staring at the grass in our yard, listening to the buzz of the cicadas and watching the ants move onto the sidewalk. I was waiting for it to warm up a little more so I could drop myself into the pool in the backyard and float the day away.
As an adult I have moved further south and no longer wait for the summer day to warm. By nine in the morning the temperature is well into the eighties, and some days it is actually too hot to go outside for any reason. Instead of watching grass and ants I watch my six year old play with Legos or superheroes, waiting for the inevitable cry of boredom after all toys destroy each other.
The difference, I think, between now and then, is that my childhood summers were languid. Time moved in a circuitous route and staring at the grass was just as good as riding my bike. Now, however, if I dared to stare at the grass, I feel lazy. It is my son's turn to be unhurried, to enjoy the stretch of the season. For me, it seems there is too much to get done, too many time constraints on my day. There is laundry and meals, there is grocery shopping and work, there are any number of adult necessities to pull me away from the reality of summer time.
Maybe tonight I’ll go outside and look for ants. Or enjoy the night sky. After I make dinner.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Anonymous
Anonymous has much to say these days. Anonymous posts in blogs and comments on newspaper articles. He is sometimes kind, sometimes intelligent, but more often rude, vulgar and just plain mean. Sometimes anonymous leaves it up to others, those who choose screen names such as "whodat" or "wtf".
Hiding behind a screen name has become synonymous with poor manners. For some reason our culture now finds it acceptable to use technology as a shield for rudeness. I am astounded at the insensitivity I have witnessed and wonder what it says about humanity. Are we at our hearts cold, insensitive and thoughtless? No, I think we have simply forgotten something our mothers told us long ago:
"If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all."
Words to live by.
Hiding behind a screen name has become synonymous with poor manners. For some reason our culture now finds it acceptable to use technology as a shield for rudeness. I am astounded at the insensitivity I have witnessed and wonder what it says about humanity. Are we at our hearts cold, insensitive and thoughtless? No, I think we have simply forgotten something our mothers told us long ago:
"If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all."
Words to live by.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Donuts
On Friday I bought a box of donuts at the grocery store. By the time I got home I was in tears. Yes, because of a box of donuts.
When my Dad was living with us I did everything I could to feed, feed, feed him. It was important to me that he gain, then later maintain, his weight. I would often buy donuts, cookies, ice cream, anything sweet to tempt him. Because, honestly, cholesterol and fat grams were not a concern.
After his passing I no longer had a need to buy that type of food. Although my son would probably dispute this in true six year old fashion, we do not need this kind of food so I do not buy it.
The process of grief is unexpected. On a startlingly calm day a memory can strike, rendering you mute. The closet door that I have stuffed emotions in for the past three years is starting to open a little at a time. This can be painful, but I know it is necessary.
And yes, the donuts are gone. My family ate them immediately. Maybe I need to buy some more.
When my Dad was living with us I did everything I could to feed, feed, feed him. It was important to me that he gain, then later maintain, his weight. I would often buy donuts, cookies, ice cream, anything sweet to tempt him. Because, honestly, cholesterol and fat grams were not a concern.
After his passing I no longer had a need to buy that type of food. Although my son would probably dispute this in true six year old fashion, we do not need this kind of food so I do not buy it.
The process of grief is unexpected. On a startlingly calm day a memory can strike, rendering you mute. The closet door that I have stuffed emotions in for the past three years is starting to open a little at a time. This can be painful, but I know it is necessary.
And yes, the donuts are gone. My family ate them immediately. Maybe I need to buy some more.
Monday, June 8, 2009
And Justice For All...
Tomorrow begins jury selection for the trial of accused murderer, Kevin Campbell. Kevin is charged in the shooting that killed Roland Lagasse, 51 years old, in Torrington, CT. Roland and Kevin were friends. On the evening in question, they argued, Kevin pulled out a gun, screamed, “You’re a dead man!” and shot Roland directly in the heart.
If that’s what friends are like, who needs them, right? Hopefully retribution will be swift and the punishment just. There is no question of whodunit in this case, there is no ambiguity. What we do have is a large number of witnesses.
Accused murderer Kevin Campbell will try to glean some sympathy for having been a Vietnam veteran, as well as having a crippled leg. Hopefully the jury will see through that and deliver a verdict of guilty. After all, there is no doubt: Kevin Campbell murdered Roland Lagasse. Let justice prevail.
If that’s what friends are like, who needs them, right? Hopefully retribution will be swift and the punishment just. There is no question of whodunit in this case, there is no ambiguity. What we do have is a large number of witnesses.
Accused murderer Kevin Campbell will try to glean some sympathy for having been a Vietnam veteran, as well as having a crippled leg. Hopefully the jury will see through that and deliver a verdict of guilty. After all, there is no doubt: Kevin Campbell murdered Roland Lagasse. Let justice prevail.
Monday, May 18, 2009
A Greener Home
Although my license is currently inactive, I am still fascinated by all things pertaining to real estate. The rise and fall of the market, current activity, foreclosure rates, and helping people find what they need has all held a deep interest for me. I can spend hours comparing houses within a specific area to determine what the current pricing should be, and I can spend just as much time studying month to month statistics to analyze trends.
My focus as a real estate agent, however, was in being what is known as an EcoBroker®. By definition, an EcoBroker® receives additional training on energy and environmental issues that relate to real estate transactions. I would discuss energy efficient housing and how that could relate to your current transaction, or I would refer interested people to the appropriate vendors for further information. Whether it was something as big as installing solar panels for your energy needs or replacing your old windows, I would work with you to obtain the most reliable information available.
The response I received was tepid, at best. Although many were open to the idea of “greening” their home, there was some confusion as to how to accomplish this without extreme expense. There was also confusion related to whether or not solar was viable for this area, and whether that was the only option. In short, there were many questions related to the practicality of energy efficiency in this area.
The main idea I taught is that energy efficiency is viable at many levels. The first way to make this happen is to change just one thing in your life, one habit. Perhaps one of your habits is to always set the thermostat at 70° in the summer and 75° in the winter. To start small, change it to 72° in the summer and 73° in the winter, and use a programmable thermostat in your house. These thermostats can be purchased relatively inexpensively, and it has been proven they will save you money in the long run.
Starting small is the key to energy efficiency. Changing one habit at a time will help you not only to make more responsible energy choices, it will also save you money.
My focus as a real estate agent, however, was in being what is known as an EcoBroker®. By definition, an EcoBroker® receives additional training on energy and environmental issues that relate to real estate transactions. I would discuss energy efficient housing and how that could relate to your current transaction, or I would refer interested people to the appropriate vendors for further information. Whether it was something as big as installing solar panels for your energy needs or replacing your old windows, I would work with you to obtain the most reliable information available.
The response I received was tepid, at best. Although many were open to the idea of “greening” their home, there was some confusion as to how to accomplish this without extreme expense. There was also confusion related to whether or not solar was viable for this area, and whether that was the only option. In short, there were many questions related to the practicality of energy efficiency in this area.
The main idea I taught is that energy efficiency is viable at many levels. The first way to make this happen is to change just one thing in your life, one habit. Perhaps one of your habits is to always set the thermostat at 70° in the summer and 75° in the winter. To start small, change it to 72° in the summer and 73° in the winter, and use a programmable thermostat in your house. These thermostats can be purchased relatively inexpensively, and it has been proven they will save you money in the long run.
Starting small is the key to energy efficiency. Changing one habit at a time will help you not only to make more responsible energy choices, it will also save you money.
Did You Know...
...that one of the areas of highest poverty in the United States is the Pine Ridge Reservation? The average annual income is $4,000 per year. Although the American public has recently romanticized the Native American lifestyle, there are third world issues that are being overlooked. If you are interested in more information, check out the following websites:
www.friendsofpineridgereservation.org/
www.consciousalliance.org/educate.pine.ridge.htm
www.friendsofpineridgereservation.org/
www.consciousalliance.org/educate.pine.ridge.htm
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