Friday, August 20, 2010

Remembering Natalie

The summer before my senior year in high school Madonna was on the radio, a new drivers’ license was in my purse, and I had the breath-stealing, tantalizing awareness of being on the precipice to freedom. I had plans. They might have been vague and ill-defined, but they were my plans, born of a vision I had for the woman I wanted to become. Besides, vague and ill-defined suited me. Life specifics are overwhelming and scary for a seventeen year old.

Looking back, I think of the summer of ’85 as the time when my instant of innocence vanished. Consumed as I was by my teenage social life (which was, admittedly, shaky at best) and senior year anxieties (the ‘didn’t study for the test’ nightmares were a regular occurrence, especially since I very often didn’t) it never occurred to me that my perception of reality was not exactly reality.

I think lots of kids have those kinds of feelings at that age. The future is poised to unfurl before us, yet we still cannot see the road clearly. What I did not realize, what nobody realizes in their instant of innocence, is how completely the world might shift. And once it shifts, it stays that way.

I was in between jobs that July, having just finished a stint as a waitress at the local Friendly’s restaurant and waiting to start my new cashier’s job at the grocery store. Mostly I spent my time at home, talking on the phone, swimming in the pool and being a general nuisance to my parents (from an evolutionary perspective, I was right on target for them to happily kick me out of the nest).

We had already finished dinner and cleaned up the kitchen that warm summer night when I heard the sirens. I didn’t think much of it, it was just background noise. Until the phone rang. My father answered and talked to a friend of his, and when he hung up I could tell he was upset. Standing in the kitchen, replacing the receiver on the wall phone, he turned to me.

“That was Chet,” he said slowly.

“What did he want?” my mother asked.

I knew from the look on his face something had happened. Chet had a police scanner and would sometimes call us with updates on crime in our little town. It was a small town without a lot of crime so most of the time he just called to talk. That particular night was different, though. That night something had happened.

I felt a moment of fear before my father spoke.

“He said someone’s been hurt. A young person.”

“Car accident?”

“Stabbing.”

“Who?” I asked, my mind numb. Someone I knew?

Impossible. That did not happen in my world. It did not. Not.

“They’re chasing the guy who did it right now.”

There was a frozen hesitation when, looking at my parents I saw the worry in their eyes. Worry and something else, something that I have come to believe was part fear and part relief. Fear about what was happening, relief that I was home safe with them.

This is where my memory gets foggy. At some point soon after the phone rang again. The details of what had happened were relayed, and by the end of the night most kids from the Watertown High School class of 1986 knew.

Natalie Guay had been murdered.

Her killer, a jilted boyfriend, had tried to escape but was later caught by police.
The attack was brutal. It is trite to say that many peoples’ lives were torn apart that night, but that is exactly what happened.

Twenty five years ago, yet that summer has been replaying in my mind recently. This is a loss that has echoed through the decades, one that should not be forgotten.

And so we remember. Remember that girl from that small town taken too early, remember that people are not what they seem, and remember that some choices are not ours to make.

How could this have happened?

In school, Natalie was a quiet girl with a shy smile. I have no idea what kind of student she was, but I have sense of what kind of person she was. Natalie was nice. I don’t mean ‘nice’ in that way that sometimes says ‘boring’, I mean ‘nice’ in the kind of way that she was sweet, always said hello, would never deliberately hurt anyone, and had an ability to deal with her school tormentors with grace (one particular boy comes to mind, an equal opportunity bully that the producers of after school specials like to document. I wish I had had the courage to stand up to him, but unfortunately, I didn’t. Nobody did.).

I cannot remember if I spoke to Natalie’s family the night of her wake. If I didn’t, it was because I was uncertain of what to say. The unimaginable had happened, and I felt like there was nothing I could do to ever make it better.

It occurs to me now, all these years later, that the night we graduated high school must have been hell for the Guay family. I can only suppose it was an evening of what-ifs and might-have-beens.

But I can say this: the class of 1986 did not forget. Natalie, we were angry that you had to die, especially the way it happened. You should be with us in the world today, raising a family of your own and pursuing your dreams. But know that what we are left with, the memory of your quiet smile, has stayed with us.

Natalie was among the first of our class to be lost, but certainly not the last. In remembering that summer, her life and her death are spread in front of us as a part of the tableau of 1985. For most of us from that era of Watertown’s history, Natalie is a part of who we became. She reminded us, in life and in death, of the importance of kindness. She showed us to be better than the bullies. She taught us to be careful who we trust. And today she is a poignant reminder of our deep connections to those around us and the profound effect we have upon each other’s lives.

Natalie, you are remembered.

19 comments:

  1. Beautifully written.

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  2. Wow I stumbled upon this entry by just choosing "next blog". I remember that summer so clearly, it was just horrible and brought to our small town the realities of life. Thanks for such a loving tribute. I often think of Natalie's family and her brother(s) who had to witness the crime and live with it everyday.

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  3. Natalie was in my youth group. She was a very sweet person. I am so glad she and I crossed brief paths . I was thinking of her the other day. I am so glad this was written so well. Her memory will live in our hearts and minds of all who knew her.

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  4. Nicely done but you left out details. The details of how we knew her. Yes she was all that and the tragedy of that day still haunts my family... You have to forgive Preston it's the only way to release yourself from the anger and hurt of the painful day.. The day my whole entire family died, the day when my parents forgot about the 3 children they had left and ignored.. I forgive you Preston cause on that day, at the time you dropped her to the floor and stared straight at me I saw the man, the Demon that overtook you to do such a tragic act wasn't what I saw ... I saw the man in you say to me"OMG What have I done" the look in your eyes for that brief instant before you ran out the backdoor, you showed genuine remorse... There are a lot of stuff that was covered up, there were stories that were never told about what happened that day... but in the end after a long grueling day/night in the police station I finally cried, not because of what you did, because I stood there for what felt like minutes but was only seconds, I did nothing I had the means to beat you down. Ed ran for a bat but wouldn't let go when I reached for it.. I did nothing my family trusted each and every one one of us. We were all responsible to protect one another and I did nothing.. Everyone says your lucky he didn't turn on you... but he didn't he only wanted Natalie to not dump him and yet later he failed to take his own life and is still in jail. If he approached me today I be upset but I extend a hand to him in friendship cause his soul is in God's hands now, he paid his debt his punishment with man's law...It's time to move on I think about the what if's but realize that it was meant to happen. I can't fix the past but I can live, live knowing how frail our lives really are. I live each day with the expression of being happy that the Lord let me wake-up to try to make this day better than the last.

    Sincerely,
    Philip J Guay

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    1. Philip,
      Well written, and intensely healing. Thank you for sharing that piece of yourself, and for showing the world that peace and healing are indeed possible even in the most horrific of circumstances.
      Narielle

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  5. I remember like it was yesterday my heart goes out to her family I know she lives on in a better place I have always said parents should never have to bury a child I will always have the memories of sitting together in Biology class she truly was a sweet girl who didnt have an ounce of anger towards anyone RIP Natalie you will always be missed your friend Ty

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  6. I remember that day vividly as well. A family friend came over and broke the news to us all. My older sister was friends with Natalie and I hung out with Phillip quite often. We all used to go camping with the Good Samaritans. Lots of great memories there. I lost touch with the Guay family after high school but I still think about them very often. Natalie is with The Lord now and we will see her again when He makes all things new. May The Lord bless and keep the Guay family.

    Eric Beach

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  7. Thank you for all your heartfelt comments. I hope that the family knows how many lives she touched, and that she is remembered.

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  8. Narielle,
    My teenage son found your blog after searching for information about my sisters death. He showed this to me last night and I was touched to read about your account of that night. Its all a blur of shock for me still. I have never been able to completely heal, I have PTSD.
    My sister was a really nice girl. She was kind,nurtureing,naive,sweet. Preston was her first boyfriend and she was deeply flattered by his attention to her. It wasn't long though before her idealization turned to fear. By the time she realized she was in over her head and asked my mom to let her hide away at grandmas for the summer it was too late. He killed her in a schizophrenic rage. We came to find out later from court reports from his psych. Evaluation that he was a non med compliant schizophrenic. Be had a long history of brutal child abuse/neglect at the hands of his mom. After many removals and returns to his home, he and his brother Clinton were placed in the foster system. Reading the reports had cleansed my heart of any anger. The reports from social services from his childhood were quite graphic and it broke my heart. Hurting people hurt other people. He was insane.How a mother could destroy her child is beyond me. I have two sons and can't imagine what would become of them had they grown up with such torment. Forgiveness was never an issue for me. Healing though has been. Its hard to live with having had someone like him in our home and family gatherings to end up doing what he did. It made me very distrusting of guys. I'm amazed I was able to marry. My husband is a very mellow compassionate and caring man. He doesn't even yell. I can only be around people like him. Calm kind and mellow. Like my sister. Preston was her little bird with a broken wing and she in her young mind thought her love would heal him. It wasn't uncommon to catch them on the sofa, his head on her lap, her stroking his face and him sucking his thumb. He was deeply troubled. It was all tragic. Every bit of it. Thank you for this space to write my feelings down. I need to do that more often. Deidre Guay (King)

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    1. Deidre,
      First, you have my condolences. Losing a family member is devastating, and your loss especially so.
      I am amazed and touched at your strength of spirit. Your ability to heal and forgive is a testament to the goodness that exists within the world. Thank you for sharing with us, and thank you for your willingness to open up about such a painful subject. May you and your family continue to grow in love and strength,
      Narielle

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  9. Sorry you lost your sister Natalie Ann Guay I didn't know of the death until Phil told me

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  10. I knew the both of them. Preston had issues that were never properly dealt with because his condition was an embarrassment to his somewhat wealthy family. I know of several people who I grew up with who had mental health conditions who were shunned or ignored by their families out of embarrassment in Watertown alone. What can we do about what happened in the past? Nothing. None of us have time machines. But, we can remember Natalie and forgive Preston. That is the best course we have. Preston is where he belongs. Hopefully, he is getting the help he needs. But, prisons aren't the place that usually happens. We need to do more for mental health in this country. We need to address the problem instead of ignoring and de-funding it.

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  11. I remember that day very much, entering the home and not knowing where Preston was, i was on the first responding vehicle from the Fire Dept. we did the best that we could do and i will never forget this call i feel sorry for the family.

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    1. Kevin,
      Thank you for your service. First responders often carry the memories of our loved ones' final moments and can be the last face a person sees before they journey onward. Thank you for putting yourself out there to do that kind of work.

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  12. My sincereest condolences to the Guay family. It's taken me years to build the courage to wrote this post...

    My name is Rick. Natalie and I had met on a camping trip and quickly became enamored with one another, as only teens can do. In those days of pre-internet and emails, we exchanged letters and counted the days until we could see one another again. In June, I was off to boot camp and we continued exchanging letters, making plans for a hiking trip in Vermont for the fall. I still remember the day the company commander informed me that I had a call arranged by the Red Cross... In the military, that usually means one thing...a loved one has died. It was Natalie's parents telling me what had happened. For decades now I've blamed myself for her loss. Was it because of me that she broke it off with Preston? Even now, more that 35 years later, I can't hold back the tears. I am so sorry... but this isn't about me. Natalie was truly a "kind soul" and didn't deserve to have her beautiful life cut short. The world is definitely a darker place without her in it.

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    1. Rick. This is Deidre , Natalie's sister. I have thought of you so many times over the years . I was sitting at the kitchen table the day my father was on the phone with you . I remember thinking how blunt my dad was telling you Natalie's boyfriend killed her . I heard you reply in disbelief and shock although I don't remember what you said . I wanted to scream out to you NO Preston was NOT her boyfriend My dad was in shock. I'm sorry the news was given to you so bluntly . I guess there's no softening it though but my heart went out to you because I knew how much my sister cared for you . She had been trying to break things off with Preston long before she met you . He was violently abusive to her and she was afraid of him. One day he picked her up by her neck and threw her into our swimming pool. I use to tell him off I hated that guy so much . My dad forbid him to come to our house. But he didn't relent he would show up and stalk her when she was with friends. She had originally met him at school and he was troubled so she tried bringing him to youth group. She mothered him. It wasn't a romantic relationship by any means she was trying to help him. He wanted it to be more and asked her to her prom. She agreed and that was a terrible mistake. She came home from prom her dress was torn. Her nylon stockings ripped to shreds . She was bloody . She wouldn't tell us what happened and mom washed her up and got her to bed. The next day she was asking mom to move to grandma's house . I was so furious Rick. This guy was scary. My poor sister got in over her head. When she met you it was the first time I'd heard her laugh and look happy in a long time. Preston wasn't allowed to come to the house and my sister wasn't makeing any effort to see him. Preston went beserk. It has nothing to do with meeting you. She was trying to get away from him but was afraid . I remember seeing the two of you at the campground sitting together all cozy and thinking how happy she looked and how much she deserves to be with someone like you . Ive had PTSD for so many years and finally received help a few years ago by a new therapy called EMDR. My oldest son saw your comment on here and sent it to me. Oh Rick I can't tell you how happy it makes me to know your well . And even that you still think of her. It makes me so happy that somebody truly cared about her and that she felt that before she died. That she knew love. You were her first and only love. Thank you for giving my sister that . Deidre

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  13. Deidre King ( Guay) davedeeking@charter.net
    Rick ...feel free to contact me. I am married and live in CT.

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  14. I also wanted to mention but I forgot ...Preston Shermerhorn died in prison of AIDS. Before his death his psychologist called me at Preston's request to say he was sorry for what he did and put us all through and that he was dieing and would not live to his release date. He wanted us to know this because at his hearing for parole I had expressed how terrified I was of him being released on parole . I thanked his therapist and hung up. It was an unexpected conversation . I didn't say anything else. Just thank you for telling me this.

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